[azn]

A short story I'm in the process of writing. Any criticism would be helpful.



I continued walking. I cannot recall how long I have been walking for, in this barren hellhole that was Fairvale. It wasn’t always like this; mankind was once a striving civilisation, that was before the Great War that ravaged the globe. Nukes were launched from all the world’s superpowers, and those wiped out the major of humanity and left the rest struggling to survive.

Not that any of that mattered now. I stopped to scan the horizon. The bleak barren brown landscape was littered with ruined buildings, remnants of a bygone era. The roads have deteriorated at a rapid pace, well that was to be expected, considering humanity no longer possesses the technology to maintain them. Dead tree trunks were sporadically seen, not even they survived the nukes. Like normal, there wasn’t a living being insight, so I continued to walk.
As I continued to walk, moving closer towards the epicentre of the town, I encountered more reminders of a distant past. Littered along the sideways were charred blacked bodies that were probably seared when the nukes hit. They were all different in height and size but shared the same fate. The air itself felt stagnant, as if, despairing at the loss of life that had occurred. The buildings, those that were still standing, appeared to have been ransacked, probably but travelling wanderers looking for supplies on journey. Building had broken windows, knocked-down doors or even holes blown into their walls.

One thing that remained intact was a sign. It read “Town central park – Continue down street, left at Bird avenue.” The centre of the town, there might be people around, I might be able to get more supplies! With this in mind, I set out with the goal of going to the central park.
I was only a few houses away from the town centre, which was once was a lush green park, when I noticed something foul in the air. The stench of rotting flesh. It was overwhelming and revolting. Stomaching the nauseous feeling that was brought on by the stench, I forced myself to press on.

3 more houses...
2 more houses...
1 more houses...

What I saw at the park was mortifying. Piles of dead bodies stacked onto dead our. Most of the corpses have only recently started to decompose, with flies swarming the piles. Deep red blood oozes from the bodies, and created a river that streamed into deeper into the park. The wounds inflicted onto the corpses varied, some had small entry and exit points, indicating who ever committed the act was in possession of a firearm, which are becoming increasingly rare as modern weapons easily decay and weather and the sheer amount of maintenance that is required to keep the weapon in shape; and others had huge gapping slash wounds, indicating the use of more crude weapons such as swords and axes.

The park itself would resemble any other park in a wasteland; brown dirt, brown dead trees, and brown decaying pathways. There would be nothing remarkable except for the river of blood...

I blinked.

“I did just see movement in the park?” I unconsciously whispered to myself. Curious but wary, I adopted a half crouched stance and sneaked my way into the park.

Roughly 20 minutes later, I was about 500m into the park. Leaning against a large but shrivelled up tree, I spied 3 armed men, two of them were big and burly but butt-ugly, and armed with axes. The third was smaller and a bit scrawny but looked athletic and I noticed what appeared to be a revolver in his holster. To the side of them were a couple of women who were bind together with rope. The men were talking so I listened in.

“Oi! You lot! The boss said to bring the women to his hut now!”
“Fine, but whats the boss gonna do with the girls?”
“Heh... You know... fun stuff.”

I grasped my sword hilt and began to think. I could attempt to slay the armed soldiers and rescue the women. Alternatively, I could ignore it and walk away. Suddenly, it occurred to me. Why should I help them? There would be no direct benefits in doing so, and the risk was far too great. In the end, there would be no realistic point in doing so. Their lives were meaningless to me.

So I turned around and snuck away. Away from the park, away from the raiders and away from the women. After reaching a reasonable distance away from the park, I stood up-right and began to walk again.

“NOOOOOO!! SOMEONE HELP US! PLEASE!!” Their cries could be heard in the distance. I stopped and paused for a minute. Then I continue to walk.

[Duratrix]

Interesting style of writing. xD

You seem to be switching from him living the story and him telling the story.
Nothing wrong with that, but please leave a clue when you switch.

Aside from the bad grammar(?) parts, it's not so bad.
Example: "and created a river that streamed into deeper into the park."
That would be... "deeper into the park."

[azn]

Originally Posted by Duratrix

Interesting style of writing. xD

You seem to be switching from him living the story and him telling the story.
Nothing wrong with that, but please leave a clue when you switch.

Aside from the bad grammar(?) parts, it's not so bad.
Example: "and created a river that streamed into deeper into the park."
That would be... "deeper into the park."

Thanks dura, just want I needed.

[digritz]

[QUOTE=Duratrix;531810]Interesting style of writing. xD

You seem to be switching from him living the story and him telling the story.
Nothing wrong with that, but please leave a clue when you switch.

Same critique.
Example:
Living the story, "I stopped to scan the horizon."
Telling the story, When I stopped to scan the horizon.
Subtle but distinct. Just be careful of how and where you employ the switches
of 1st and 3rd person.
Keep it up.......

[Kenny41]

another grammatic mistake:
“I did just see movement in the park?”
that should be
"Did I just ..."

except that, my only problem was that i can't really subscribe myself with the protagonist of the story, and that kinda kills the whole thing.

other than that, t has potential, so keep it up.

[azn]

Yes, there are a couple of grammatical mistake in there, as this was a rushed draft of something I'm writing for school :/

[Fatentity]

Originally Posted by Kenny41

another grammatic mistake:
“I did just see movement in the park?”
that should be
"Did I just ..."

except that, my only problem was that i can't really subscribe myself with the protagonist of the story, and that kinda kills the whole thing.

other than that, t has potential, so keep it up.

Not completely true on the grammatical error if it's an "internal" thought. Example (Inside my own mind) *I did just turn on the TV...Right? RIGHT??!?!?!*
(Too tired to read the story, will read it tmr ).

[Ace7X]

Summary:

Search Berserk

A brave young warrior named Guts fights for his fortune as a mercenary on the front lines. A fated encounter unites Guts with the charismatic and deadly young man named Griffith. Leading the rogue soldiers known as the Band of the Hawk, Griffith wields his formidable force like no other. Driven by a quest for status, the Hawks exert military and social prowess the likes of which have never been seen before. The armies of Midland will quake with fear as Griffith and Guts set off on a path that will bring the world to its knees.