[Falsum]

Well, i decided to try my hand at something other than a fighting story, so here is a short story i though up while i was on vacation in hawaii. I'm not really the best, at things like these, so please give me criticism and tell me how it is so i cant improve! thanks hah hah

#########################
Late Crowd
By: Chris_Falsum
#########################

The late night crowd at the local bar. Soft, slow music played from an antiquated Jukebox resting along
the wall. A drunk sat at the end of the bar, looking as solemn and depressed as ever, holding a glass
with a sliver of beer left in it. A few other men, all looking rather depressed, also sat at the bar,
seperated from each other, enjoying their own solace. A trio of large biker guys complete with tattoos,
bandanas, dark shades, and leather jackets silently played pool. The bartender quietly stood behind the
bar, wiping used glasses from the earlier rush, and silently refilling the drunkards glass, keeping a
running tab in his mind. It's not that the room was tense for anyone to speak, on the contrary, it was
too open. Too open for any one to speak, for fear of bothering the others. The air in the small bar was
very calm and serene, if not a little depressing.

The door opened. Almost as if the person entering had sensed the mood inside already, the door opened
slowly and quietly, so as not to ruin the wonderful mood. Just as he deliberately opened the door, he
walked up to the bar, and sat down next to one the somber men, and a couple of seats away from the
drunkard. Only the barkeep looked up to see who had just entered the bar, but when he saw the man's face,
he quietly nodded his head, and poured a glass of a very strong whiskey, and set it gently in front
of the man. The barkeep thought for awhile, and then sat the bottle next to the glass. He saw something
in the man's face, something he sees quite often with the late crowd. The man was shattered, and broken.
His eye's were empty, he was growing a slight stubble around his mouth and chin, and he wore a false
smile that makes one feel empty inside, instead of happy. The man didn't say a word. He simply took
the glass, and began to slowly drink. The barkeep shook his head before resuming his previous activity
of wiping and cleaning the countless glasses the earlier crowd had gone through. The man was still
young, too young to be so broken. The man to his left, slowly turned to the man and observed his face.
After awhile he gave a slight, empty chuckle. He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but then closed it.
After a couple more minutes, he summoned up his courage and opened his mouth again.

"So... what's broken you down to the point where you come and drink with us?" He spoke softly, slowly,
as if to the rhythm of the music, towards the man. Without turning his eyes away from the small spot
of wood infront of him, and without letting his empty smile fade, he answered.

"My wife." He answered so soft, that the patron had to strain his ears just to hear, but at the same
time, the words seemed to carry such a weight that they echoed throughout the room, and every man in
the bar heard it. The man didn't say anything for awhile, and the patron debating whether he should
inquire further, but soon enough the broken man began to speak again.

"I love her... too much..." The man took a drink of the whiskey, and then slowly began filling the cup
again with the bottle the barkeep had left. The patron, although he didn't quite understand what the
man had meant, understood the gravity of the words, and spoke no further. A couple of hours passed,
no one further had entered, no one currently there left. The bar was completely the same as before the
man had entered, with the obvious exception of one extra person. The broken man had gone through a
bottle and a half of the hard whiskey, and was slumped forward on the wood of the bar, holding the
glass in his right hand. He looked perfectly asleep, but somehow, the people in the bar understood he
was awake, and made no move to disturb him. Once more, the door suddenly opened, but this time there
was no discretion when the door swung open. It swung open loudly, and in a flurried haste. The wind
from the door swinging open seemed to blow away the calm mood of the bar, and replaced it with a numbing
tension. At this sudden change in the atmosphere, every one in the bar save for the broken man, swung
their head to see who had disturbed their peace, and there standing in the doorway, was a beautiful
woman. She was breathing heavily, as if she had been running from bar to bar, and her eyes were red,
as if she had been crying. The patron right next to the broken man, spoke very softly to the man next to
him.

"I think it's your wife." The broken made no apparent movements. Realizing how she had destroyed the
mood, she quickly took a few steps inside and shut the door behind her, but of course it made no change
to the atmosphere. After looking shamed for a couple of seconds, she raised her eyes to the broken man.

"What are you doing here? At a bar at this time of night?" She spoke as if she was trying to be angry,
but it came out rather choked by tears.

"I've been looking all over for you! Why didn't you answer your phone?" The man had turned his phone
off long ago.

"I'm... sorry..." The man quietly responded.

"Stop! Apologizing!" She forced out the words. Tears were beginning to roll down her cheeks. The man
didn't stir. After a short, tense moment, the man spoke again.

"... I'm sorry... I... It's... It's my fault... I was never good... enough..." The woman looked at the
man in sheer disbelief. He was still apologizing? After a few seconds, she grit her teeth in anger and
furiously shut her eyes.

"SHUT UP!" She stamped her right foot as hard as she could.

"SHUT UP!" She lowered her head and clapped her hands over her ears.

"SHUT UP!" She swung her head to the right.

"SHUT UP!" She swung her head to the left.

"Shut... up...." She stopped her violent motions, dropped her hands down to her sides, and hung her
head, crying.

"...why... why... why do you always apologize?" She asked, quietly, through tears.

"...Because I love you." The man responded, quietly.

"That doesn't answer my question!" The woman snapped back, clenching her fists, and tightening her
shoulders. After a couple of seconds, she eased up, and asked again.

"...why? It was never your fault... never!" She shook her head, and took a few seconds to compose her
self before speaking again.

"It was always me!" She finally opened her eyes again and stared at the broken man slumped over the bar.
She put her right hand on her chest.

"Always me! I was always... so selfish... No matter what I asked, no matter over what, no matter how
many times I got mad at you, all you EVER did, was just apologize. Always! You never disagreed with me!
You just... did... it..." The woman broke down in tears again, and once again hung her head.

"...why?" The man asked slowly. He still hand opened his eyes, or lifted his head from the bar. "because
I wanted to make you happy, always, wanted to make you happy. I did whatever you asked, because it might
make you happier. I never fought with you..."

"That didn't make me happy..." The woman replied back. The three men playing pool had stopped to watch
the scene unfold. The other patrons at the bar followed the conversation with their eyes, switching
from speaker to speaker. The barkeep had been wiping the same spot, on the same glass, since the woman
walked in. The drunkard even stopped drinking, just to listen. Closing time had passed 20 minutes ago.

"It hurt... watching you break down, watching you wither away, it hurt... you agreeing with whatever
I said, it hurt more than you yelling at me could ever hurt... but... I couldn't stop! I was so selfish,
I... I forced you to do everything I said, so I could be just a little happier. I yelled at you over
trivial things just to see if you would say anything, but you never did! You just apologized... you
just apologized..." She sobbed heavily, before continuing.

"When I yelled at you, because you were watching TV and not spending time with me, all you did was
apologize..."

"When I yelled at you, because you were with your friends, and not taking me to dinner, all you did was
apologize..." The woman quite softer and softer till her words were covered up by her crying.

"Do... do you remember when I truly broke?" The man asked, slowly, speaking loud enough just to carry
over the tears. The woman cried for a few minutes more, before answering.

"... My mother had just died, and I was crying, and depressed... and you put your hands on my shoulders
to try and console me... but... I yelled at you for bugging me, and told you to leave me alone... and
that... that... I didn't need you...

"... and when I realized what... what I had said... and turned around... you had a look of complete
shock on your face... and just stood there, and stared at me... and I didn't even apologize... and
then you just walked off... just... walked... off... without a word..." She once again began trailing
off, and soon stopped.

"...that's good... I always wondered... if you noticed or not..." The man answered, and then began
laughing. It was a hollow laugh, a laugh that shattered the room and chilled every man to the bone.
It was a laugh, but something about it made one feel empty as if his heart had been ripped out...

[Falsum]

(part two)

It was a terrible laugh.

"...I'm sorry..." The woman, this time, apologized. At this, the man finally lifted his head from the
bar, and stared angrily down at his glass.

"Don't... you dare apologize..." His voice reverberated with anger. His hand holding the glass tightened,
and his knuckles went white.

"what good will it do for you to apologize? Will you apologizing change anything? Will you apologizing
bring back all the times I missed being with my friends? Will you apologizing bring back the games that
I missed? Will you apologizing fix me?

"NO!" The man brought the glass and slammed it on the bar with this word. He suddenly got quiet again.

"It won't change a damn thing... no... no... the only thing that will make a difference is me apologizing
to you... that I was never good enough..." The woman could only stare at the man through teary eyes.
The man continued. He hadn't look at the woman, not even once.

"... I was scared. You were always too good for me... I was scared that if I didn't do everything...
everything... to make you happy, you would leave... I was scared..." At this point, the man also
began to cry. Silent tears rolled down his face, and dropped onto the bar in front of him. The woman
looked at the back of the broken man, and the man in turn stared at the glass infront of him. A crack
ran up the side.

"I'm sorry...."

[monkeychacha]

Good written story man. <censored for embarrassment> maybe if it was substituted by some other reason (one more dramatic perhaps) it would make the story better.

[Falsum]

i understand your point.

But i'm not very good at this sort of thing, y'know? ill give it some thought....

Edit: hmm changing that *certain* part, hopefully its better now

[monkeychacha]

Much better man!, good job.

[Falsum]

I Will accept criticism not outright insults. if you do not like my story, which is fine, then politely tell me, and then i dont know, maybe say why you didnt like it so i can improve on it.

You would do well to remember, i am a Moderator. Not pissing me off, is a good way to lengthen your stay here at Animetake.

[Retrorock]

Originally Posted by Falsum

I Will accept criticism not outright insults. if you do not like my story, which is fine, then politely tell me, and then i dont know, maybe say why you didnt like it so i can improve on it.

You would do well to remember, i am a Moderator. Not pissing me off, is a good way to lengthen your stay here at Animetake.

Were you talking about what I said before ?? Lol, I wasn't insulting you, I just hoped you would write something like fantasy etc. because I love reading stories but couldn't really stand romance much lol. Anyway it was more of a request than anything, it's just how I always express myself

[Tiggerz]

hmm, this piques my interest for a quick read sometime later and some fun for editing practice...
do you want editing critique as well? coz i don't really see how i could give suggestions on idea and
structure without the grammar/editing aspect of it as well...

[RinVonStark]

This was actually amusing to read. I could picture the whole scene in my head and it was credible. +kudos. Now just mind some editing and you could go ahead and expand. Maybe you can even write a short novel on that.

[Kuro]

Agree with above. I had an exact image of what was going on. It makes me want to read more, like I started a new manga please expand