[dacasa]

So imo I shouldnt bother people in the void with reading my shit everytime I write something, so I created this thread where I'll post pages I've wrote. I'm not really confident in my writing skill and I would like the get feedback from you guys. So if you have the time and want to support my writing, please comment!


So here's basically the my scribbles about the story:

influences from selected GE scenes?
Of course a high school romance -> many possibilities
Tomoyo route elements?
Protag introverted?
takes place in fictional world.

Three guys, our protag with his 2 only friends, end up in a school in heaven. Our protag is an introverted type of guy, a deep thinker and feels a bit inferior to others. He and his 2 friends dont know that they are dead and that the world they live in is fictional.
He moved in his new apartment on the school campus about 2 weeks ago. I start around a week before the semester starts, in autumn.

my plan is to make the protag become more social and stuff, and make him experience fun in his life only to discover that this life is fake. He and the 2 friends he makes are the only 3 actually living in that world.

I can use the romantic theme of making the protag fall in love but realising this love cant be real because that girl isn't real.
But I'm still stuck with the idea: do they need to earn their life back or do they rebel against the higher authority because they think its
unfair? In the end our protag will be cured from his introvert self and when he returns to real life he meets that girl and tlaks to her.
He will realize he wouldnt have done that before heaven and so on,,

Updated 20/12/2011:

As the sun sets behind the mountains, the scarlet glow covers my body lying on the couch. I've been lying here for a while already. I don't know myself what I'm exactly doing while lying here. I like to think that I'm thinking deeply about important stuff, but I'm quite sure that's all something I tell myself to feel better. In reality I'm just lying here doing nothing.
Staring at the glow from the autumn sun, I realize how funny it is that it seems to amplify my mood of laziness mixed with a small hint of sadness. 'Know what will do this chamber good? Some more color!' is what my mother would've said if she actually helped me decorate my 1-room apartment. There's no helping it though, I'm not a colorful guy. My couch and other furniture are black, my walls are white and the carpet underneath the black salon-table is grey. I moved in here 2 weeks ago. It quickly became my little paradise, my hide-out, my cave, my shelter where I can hide from life and people outside.
Looking for something to do I get up from the couch and walk towards the kitchen. Even though it's autumn the floor feels cold under my feet. I could've played some more videogames, but even that seems to bore me at the moment. It's one of those days again; a day where nothing seems to entertain me and doing something productive bores me too much to do it. Everyone has those days every now and then I guess. But I think I have those more frequent than other people.

I check the refrigerator and notice there's nothing to eat. I really can't be bothered to do anything at the moment, but I know food is essential for survival. I equip myself with socks, comfortable shoes, my wallet and a coat. There are several small restaurants, shops and supermarkets on the campus, most of them located in the small shopping centre. There's also a canteen where students like myself can eat cheap dinners. But I don't feel like being amongst people, set aside eating with them.
I start my quest to buy food with choosing the closest 24/7 supermarket as destination.

It's a short walk, not more than 5 minutes from the first-years apartment complex I live in. I take the four flights of stairs down to the first level. I can see my breath when I walk down the paved path alongside the river. The mountains surrounding the campus are almost swallowing the sun using the evergreen trees on top as small teeth. Since the complex I live in is built on high ground I can see the whole campus while descending. The campus is like a small village, with my apartment being in the most western building. The campus is arranged in a cross pattern. In the west are all the boys apartments and to the east the girl ones. A lot of facilities like the security post, visitors centre, swimming pool and a lot of other buildings I still have to discover are located in the south. In the north are the actual school buildings along with the library and sport fields. In the centre the small shopping district is located. It would take me ten minutes to walk towards it, but the small 24/7 I'm walking to is located in between the shopping district and my place. It's not like I'm looking for extra exercise or social conversation. The closer to my room the better. As I walk I can see the long shadow the artistically build bridge throws on the river. Small figures are crossing the bridge, probably all on their way to the restaurants or the canteen to eat dinner with their friends after another fulfilling day of hard work. I can't relate to those feelings. I can't remember the last day I worked hard and felt satisfied about my day.

Those people, I'm not like them.

Those were my thoughts while walking. I'm disconnected from society, an outcast, a lone wolf. It's not just what I choose to be, it's what I am. It's my nature, it has always been like this.
It started out with me just not being good in expressing myself. You automatically get judged by others, classified as an introvert. I'm not to be put with those nerds you always saw hanging around in the hall at high school though. Even though I was classified an introvert, I don't wanted to be grouped with those guys. Those retards with their: 'the weak should stick together' policy. I wonder when they'll discover that they just pull each other down.

I've learned important things in my life. People are fake. They all put on fake smiles and act nice to you to get closer to you. In the end they all want something from you. Like car salesmen. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them. It's exactly how corrupted humans actually are. But that's exactly why I wouldn't want them close to me. You see things better when you watch from a distance. People who use others, people who are obviously being used but decide to not notice it...

I grin.

I'm not as oblivious to human nature as those people are.
I won't get stabbed in the back, not again.

The doors of the supermarket slide open.
"Welcome" the store clerk says. I nod to him to show that I heard him. Did this confuse you? I still have decency and I know how to interact with people, you know. Being different doesn't mean I can't talk to people. After all avoiding all contact just makes me stand out, and that's something I don't want. Standing out means people will pay attention to you and that means I would've to deal with more people than needed. Dealing with more people than needed means it's harder to defend myself, harder to keep being myself, harder to pretend that I'm normal like them.

It's a small supermarket, unlike the bigger one in the centre of the campus which can fit at least a soccer field. But since I grew up in the capital, sizes like these do me nothing really. On another note, I wouldn't be surprised if this supermarket's size is exactly 1/4th of the central one. Somehow everything in this campus is measured perfectly. I'm sure the road from the girls' dormitory towards the centre of the campus is exactly a 10 minute walk too. I wouldn't get to measure that though, since I have no business there. I don't think I'll have any business there soon either.

[digritz]

You need to work on the basics. It's also a bit too wordy and more convoluted then it needs to be.
Give the reader more credit. Most of the time you don't need to explain every detail for the situation to be understood by the reader. Try and say more with less. It's harder but makes for better flow.

[dacasa]

Thanks!
I've added it to my notes. I'll experiment more with this page and when I find the perfect flow of words I'll write moer.

[dacasa]

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