[Chiakisama]

So yeah, the piece below is a monologue for a competition. Tell me what you guys think.

Have you ever really, really liked someone? Like when you’re with a certain person and you wish oh so desperately that you could be more than friends. Have you ever liked a guy for a really long time without him liking you back? Long enough for you to think you should’ve made a move by now; but the only thing you can do is suffer through an awkward friendship with him during the day while at night you fantasize about him being Tuxedo Mask whisking you away to the fantastical Moon Kingdom. Though instead of being Tuxedo Mask, he drives you to near insanity because he likes to lean on your shoulder which sends electric shocks flowing through you and you just want him to lean a little closer so like magnets north and south connect creating the euphoric field known as a kiss.

But, like the Indiana Colts earlier this year, you can only get so close, without actually getting what you want. Yeah, I made it to the Super Bowl this year; however, I was upset by the young and upstart New Orleans Saints. I remember my “Super Bowl Sunday” vividly, the same way Twilight fans recall Jacob’s chiseled abs. It was actually a Monday and I was a few minutes early to school. I hastily walked to the classroom to see Tuxedo Mask leaning by the window pretending to act all nonchalant. I walked up to him and we followed the friendship greeting ritual of hugging then complaining about calculus This ritual was followed by the tradition of “arguing” as he calls it. I just like to provoke him because it’s fun.

Then, for some reason I said something about things being better left unsaid. Recently, a friend of mine has been loaning me a lot of anime and a particular favorite of ours is this romantic comedy named “Toradora!” I seem to identify a lot with the main character, Taiga. So perhaps I said that expecting something awesomely cliché to happen. He inquired about that statement and we just went back and forth. But, as the conversation progressed I felt the desire tugging at me harder and harder to have a movie like moment with this guy. I tried telling myself to think sensibly about the situation, to have some common sense but then my heart retorted and said
“Those who put on the act of common sense are wrong.
Those who cry are right. ”
At that point I abandoned all logic and said:
“Can I ask you something?”
“What?”
I was lonely. I wanted something more than hugs and late night fantasies.
“You know what, forget it!”
“Calm down, just ask.”
I wanted to be Taiga, the mighty heroine who was able to confront her feelings and yell “DAISUKI!” to the man she loved while fighting back the tears as the series drew to its climax with the dramatic music crescendoing as she stated these words. I tapped into my inner Taiga and said:
“Do you like me, as more than just friends?”
It was a quick pause which felt like an eternity, I was on my figurative deathbed when he responded
“Do You?”
I heard the music crescendo. I was Taiga, he was Kitamura, I could finally yell:
“Yes!!... I mean, I do.”
“Well I do too.”
He smiled at me. I was one step away from winning the Super Bowl. There were 60 seconds left in the game and I was up by a field goal.
“But, I still think we should be friends.”
The quarterback on the other team threw a Hail Mary pass and the wide receiver barely caught it in the end zone.
I guess some teams are not meant to win it all, huh?

[Saxyphone]

twaz pretty cool guy. It doesn't afraid of anything?

Naw but I think you could change the 'Have you ever really, really liked someone? Like when you’re with a certain person and you wish oh so desperately that you could be more than friends. Have you ever liked a guy for a really long time without him liking you back?' so it doesn't use 'have' twice. It annoys me for some unknown reason tiz all :3.

[dmil5512]

I'd say pretty good overall, but one thing I would maybe try to work on is avoiding longer, "run-on" sentences by either inserting more punctuation or separating run-ons into shorter sentences to develop better "flow." Seeing this is a monologue, I would recommend more of the latter, since a monologue is meant to represent a person's thoughts spoken aloud (as far as I know), and I generally think of "thoughts" as shorter bursts of words rather than longer sentences.

For example, in the first paragraph you wrote:
"...but the only thing you can do is suffer through an awkward friendship with him during the day while at night you fantasize about him being Tuxedo Mask whisking you away to the fantastical Moon Kingdom."

One could write:
"Each day bears suffering through his awkward friendship; the night ushers fantasies of his arrival as Tuxedo Mask, eager to whisk you away to his whimsical Moon Kingdom."

Now, granted, I'm no English major, so my opinion is probably worthless, but I'm confident focusing on shorter sentences (don't want them too short, though) and avoiding the use of conjunctions (and, but, so) at the beginning of sentences will do a lot to help maintain flow of the writing. Your use of adjectives and attention to descriptive detail is excellent, though. :D
Good job, and hope this helps! (probably just me talking too much...)

[Velorien]

I think more context would be helpful in giving advice. Who will be evaluating your monologue? Will they, for example, be people very strict on grammatical consistency (in which case I can think of a number of points worth correcting)? Will they have any familiarity with anime, or will some of them have to guess from context what "daisuki" means and who Kitamura is (a bad thing)? Vitally, is this to be spoken or written? You can get away with far more in terms of structure in spoken than written language. What are the other specifications for the monologue?

Let me know, and I'll do my best to offer more detailed feedback. In the meantime, I would disagree with Saxyphone - I think using the same start to both sentences builds emphasis and works well in this instance. As for dmil5512, while run-on sentences are a bad idea normally, they can work well when used sparingly in spoken monologue, as they draw the reader into a flow of ideas. At its best, a spoken run-on sentence can be almost hypnotic. By the same token, since people naturally start many sentences with conjunctions in everyday speech, I don't think it would be such a problem here, assuming this is to be read out loud.

[Chiakisama]

This is a spoken thing. And honestly, there is no context for the competition, it's just a sign in my school that says "SUBMIT A MONOLOGUE FOR THIS!"

Because this is spoken, I'm not going to ante up the language or even cut the run ons because its closer to how a girl my age would speak. Granted this character's a little more self aware than the average teenager, but think of how a regular 18 year old would talk.

The anime is there, but its not the whole point of the monologue. I'm positive someone can infer that "Daisuki" means I love you from whats surrounding it and while a bit of the subtlety is lost if you don't know about toradora, I don't think it impacts the emotion of the piece.

With this don't analyze it or anything, read it as if some teenage girl who just started watching Toradora were telling you a story.

[TheChaos0]

I like it, although my heart tell me to replace daisuki with I love you. It just feels a bit odd to have it there.

[Noodle]

I fucking Lol'd at the sailormoon reference

[TheChaos0]

Originally Posted by Noodle

I fucking Lol'd at the sailormoon reference

It was so :3

[blueskyy]

I don't think anyone could give a better advice than Velorien.

Pulling off a dialogue in a monologue is no easy feat. You might what to re-look on the dialogue. Maybe, tape it down, and see if you could understand yourself.

[Velorien]

It's hard not to offer criticism without analysing the text, but in any case...

It's probably best to place the positive comments at the start and say I really like this monologue. It is simultaneously emotionally evocative and natural-feeling. The slightly unstructured, rambling feeling of it could sink a lot of pieces, but here succeeds in building a sense of background and character without deviating too far from the main narrative thread.

On to the specifics.

"Though instead of being Tuxedo Mask, he drives you to near insanity because he likes to lean on your shoulder which sends electric shocks flowing through you and you just want him to lean a little closer so like magnets north and south connect creating the euphoric field known as a kiss." This will be a lovely hypnotic run-on sentence (assuming you're OK at reading out loud), but the ending needs adjusting as it doesn't fit together grammatically in a fairly obvious way. Possibly you mean "so, like magnets north and south, YOU connect..." Incidentally, I don't see a regular 18-year old using the word "euphoric" - perhaps you have a more erudite class of 18-year old where you come from.

Also, "Though instead of being Tuxedo Mask" seems a little puzzling. What are you contrasting? If it's Tuxedo Mask's mystery and remoteness versus feeling your beloved's presence up close, I'm not sure the contrast comes through very clearly. Maybe "Though, unlike Tuxedo Mask" would serve better.

"however, I was upset by the young and upstart New Orleans Saints." I think you belabour the metaphor too far here. You (or the character; forgive me if I am mistaken in using the two interchangeably) were never in competition with anyone in this story, so speaking as if you were makes the reader stop and try to work out whom the New Orleans Saints are meant to represent for you.

"the same way Twilight fans recall Jacob’s chiseled abs." Memorable, unique metaphor for the win. That should get plenty of laughs from the audience.

"Tuxedo Mask leaning by the window pretending to act all nonchalant." The metonymy of calling him Tuxedo Mask directly here is very elegant. On the other hand, how do you know his behaviour is pretense? Throughout the piece, he is portrayed as acting in a relaxed and comfortable way, which suggests that he is not obsessing over hidden feelings the way the narrator is. Thus, this description seems rather strange. Also, "pretending to act" seems like a tautology.

"I seem to identify a lot with the main character, Taiga." A few words to sketch out Taiga's character here would do wonders in deepening the parallel you later draw between you and her. Also, I have never been able to identify with a tsundere character even slightly, so I'm grateful to your monologue for giving me a little insight.

"This ritual was followed by the tradition of “arguing” as he calls it. I just like to provoke him because it’s fun." A person after my own heart, I see. That aside, you make "arguing" sound like something special (thanks to "as he calls it"), without explaining what makes it so. Perhaps you could elaborate on what makes this activity different from "just arguing", or rephrase to indicate that what you do *is* normal arguing, but the way you do it is what makes it a tradition?

Got to run. I'll post the rest of my comments later today when I get back.