[adoniteking]

CHAPTER 1

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?!

Pretty

That was the only word I could really think of. Well you can't really expect a better adjective from an 11 year old kid who spends most of his day coming up with new jutsu in order to defeat the most powerful mafia clan of the Ninja world. Akatsuki.

What can I say; I am a huge anime fan. Well, technically a huge naruto fan, probably the greatest (besides Masashi Kishimoto) in the entire world.
In fact my prospects of becoming an Otaku keeps improving everyday. Not sure if that is a good thing just yet but what do I care. I look awesome in my gaara cosplay.

You see I live in a close with five detached houses across both sides of the lane. It is really a boring place to begin with. Nothing really ever happens but today was different.

A car drove in and parked in front of Mrs Dickson's driveway. She always had something to say to my mom after THAT DAY*.

------Flashback-------

One time, I threw my shuriken into her lawn but unfortunately it didn't land on the grass. Instead it went straight for her face. The next thing I saw was a fearsome battle between my mom and Mrs Dickson.
"What sort of parent are you?", Mrs Dickson shouted angrily. "You keep buying toys that are dangerous projectiles for your kids. Is that how you were raised as well? Before you know it he will start making use of real knives".

My mom looked so furious as she retorted "...and giving your son a gun to play with is any different. Don't you dare question how I chose to raise my kids".

"Come on Sean, Apologise to Mrs Dickson and lets leave immediately"

I felt really bad about the incident because mom got in trouble and was upset. "I'm sorry Mrs Dickson. Wouldn't happen again"

Mrs Dickson replied "It better not..sonny"

We started walking towards our house. I thought of how awesome my ninja skills seem to be improving, how funny Mrs Dickson reacted and my face gave way to a grin. My mom caught my smirk and said "you just wait, I will wipe that smile off your face tonight".

A promise that was definitely fulfilled as soon as we got home.

------Flashback Ends------

Mrs Dickson came out of her house to greet the visitors. A bearded man stepped out of the car and gave her a hug. A woman followed. I suppose that must be his wife. She had a really nice peach sweater and carried a hamper wrapped with assorted stuff. I couldnt really make out what was inside.

The door to the car facing me opened and I got distracted from the exchange of hugs. It was then, that she stepped out of the car in her red converses and looked at me!

Why is she looking here?!

She wore a white dress with red spots and had this really cool blue jacket. Her hair came up to her face as she shut the door and with her right hand, she gently tucked them away behind her ear.

We kept staring at each other. Partly perplexed by the event, partly trying to win the staring contest. She broke off our glances with her smile and waved to me before joining her parents to greet Mrs Dickson.

I couldn't really describe it. This feeling that came over me. I felt hot. "Must be falling ill"...I thought to myself. No, this feels different.

My eyes were transfixed. I could not stop staring at her as they walked into the house. I wasn't sure what had just happened and more importantly what was happening to me.

Just as their door was about to shut, Mrs Dickson caught me staring and gave me a look. As if to say, "scram! you muppet"

It was then I realised I had been standing at the same spot without flinching. I did what any 11year old will probably do. I ran as fast as I could into my house.

"What was all that about?"

I felt so restless. I couldn't think of anything else that night other than how...pretty she was.

To Be Continued

[lorderos23]

that was all over the place.........

[adoniteking]

well its not a short story. More like a novel that I plan on developing as we explore all the events and characters. I might have introduced quite a number of people too quickly but it was to make it easier for what is to come.

[digritz]

Too many run on sentences and the structure is to chaotic.
For instance:
I couldn't describe it. This feeling that came over me. My body felt hot. I must be falling ill...I thought to myself. Might be a cold. "No silly" this is different.

But in fact you did describe it "My body felt hot". Along with other descriptions.

Be more aware of your sentence structure.
A better way to say it would have been,
"It was almost impossible to describe" or "It was difficult to describe" or "The only way to describe it"

[adoniteking]

Thanks for the criticism. The structure might be a bit chaotic because I am writing from a screenplay perspective rather than a novel...i guess.

[digritz]

That would make a big difference. However you are even further away from a screen play lay-out then you are a short story or novel. First you need to decide what screenplay format you are aiming for. Theater, cinema, or television. These all have distinctly different lay outs.

The basics are page number, scene number, scene header, character actions, character name, character tags, parenthetical, dialogue and transitions.

Remember you are the one deciding not only what a character says but in what context he is saying it. Also how he's saying it. Is he yelling at the top of his lungs because he's angry or overjoyed.

[adoniteking]

You are mixing it all up or rather taking things a little too seriously with regards to structure, format, etc. I mentioned screenplay earlier in order to make you understand how I want to tell the story rather than structure it.

I know how to format or adapt a piece into a screenplay but that is not my intention here. Infact, it will be far too tedious for people on this forum to read or enjoy.This is more casual writing. It is a story and how it is told, shouldnt be taking too seriously.

To be honest, I am more interested with if people enjoy what they have read and would like it to continue rather than rules, structure, format etc.

[digritz]

Ok after you explained it that why then it makes less sense then before. If your going to deviate from a common structure, whether it's a novel or a screen play, exactly how do you expect the reader to understand if you don't explain how you are structuring your story. Wait I will answer that for you. You can't. Because what your story lacks, something that is common to all stories regardless of structure, is flow.

And by the way you just contradicted yourself.

"Well its not a short story. More like a novel that I plan on developing"

"I am writing from a screenplay perspective"

"I know how to format or adapt a piece into a screenplay but that is not my intention here"



Plus you say "Infact, it will be far too tedious for people on this forum to read or enjoy.This is more casual writing."
Yet you still decided to tell this story in a chaotic manner. It may be your "casual writing style". But it reads anything but casual.

But the one thing that tops it is this statement "I want to tell the story rather than structure it."
There is not a story written anywhere in any time that can be told without structure.


I have know idea why someone would post to a forum like this if they did not want any feedback. As for whether I enjoyed this short excerpt......no.

However since you seem to be oblivious I will not waste anymore time on this.

I will give you credit for one thing though. Your title. "WHAT WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?!" Because that is exactly what will go through the readers head after finishing it.

[adoniteking]

Originally Posted by digritz

But the one thing that tops it is this statement "I want to tell the story rather than structure it."
There is not a story written anywhere in any time that can be told without structure.

I like how you excluded the beginning of that sentence I made. You should seriously consider journalism.

Originally Posted by digritz

I have know idea why someone would post to a forum like this if they did not want any feedback. As for whether I enjoyed this short excerpt......no

wth?! You seem to be taking this personal or perhaps too seriously. Not sure why either.

I took on board a lot of the criticism that was made and made my edits where I felt appropriate. When you gave your first critique, I thanked you for it. You mentioned how structure was important. I tried to explain how this wasnt the entire story. Perhaps my choice of words might have further confused you but from all you have said, I cant really blame it entirely on that.

I tried to shift the subject to my main concern which was to find out if the setup was interesting enough to continue and you decided to go bonkers.

Dont know really what to tell you and too bad you hated it but try to take it easy.

[digritz]

I did consider journalism. I have a minor in English lit. Whether I take it seriously or not is not the point. The point is any story worth telling is worth telling correctly. In a form that the reader can assimilate. Your style makes that incredible difficult. The only reason I said anything about it was because I would have liked to read your story in a way I could appreciate it.

As for going bonkers, that hasn't happened in over 30 years.