[Apathy compleX]

this introduction suffers from a a severe lack of deepness, "introduction", and purpose. An introduction to a work simultaneously introduces its genres, here you said that "Col Fukyuu and Kengo Fukyuu are two brothers traveling to find clues to their past", which would qualify as Drama, yet you didn't mention "Drama" among the genres of the story.

You need to learn about "event conclusion", i.e., you should not so simply end the scene with the main character hit on his head : If it was in the middle of the story, this would bring forth the reader's sympathy, but here you're in the first chapter, so the reader would only be disappointed in the character. If the character was actually going to fight back, you should've mentioned that here in the first chapter, which would have also introduced the "martial arts" genre you've mentioned above.

This writing does not raise any kind of positive reaction in the reader, nor their interest. I've just read it, and it actually feel like I have read a "nothing". I know the Anime community is tasteless enough to cause the success of Animes like B-gata H-kei, but still you need to do more if you want to seize their interest.

[NrG]

Originally Posted by Apathy compleX

this introduction suffers from a a severe lack of deepness, "introduction", and purpose. An introduction to a work simultaneously introduces its genres, here you said that "Col Fukyuu and Kengo Fukyuu are two brothers traveling to find clues to their past", which would qualify as Drama, yet you didn't mention "Drama" among the genres of the story.

You need to learn about "event conclusion", i.e., you should not so simply end the scene with the main character hit on his head : If it was in the middle of the story, this would bring forth the reader's sympathy, but here you're in the first chapter, so the reader would only be disappointed in the character. If the character was actually going to fight back, you should've mentioned that here in the first chapter, which would have also introduced the "martial arts" genre you've mentioned above.

This writing does not raise any kind of positive reaction in the reader, nor their interest. I've just read it, and it actually feel like I have read a "nothing". I know the Anime community is tasteless enough to cause the success of Animes like B-gata H-kei, but still you need to do more if you want to seize their interest.

Yea, thanks for that critique. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to pursue this story, but instead; working on another one. I'll post the synopsis when I get further with the story.